I blamed God.

Memories

So I am sitting here, in my room listening to worship music and just meditating on Jesus, all of sudden, I have the urge to pray for healing, not just for me, but for those whom I love. I didn't really expect anything to happen at that moment, not because God cannot move right away, but because I had already moved on to my next prayer request. However, in a few seconds, memories splashed through my mind. Memories of incidents that took place in the middle of the night. Those nights were fearful. I was seeing things. hearing voices, felt my spirit leaving my body,more times than I can count on my hands. I felt demons touching me and I felt violated. There were times when I called to Him and He answered right away and there were other times when He took longer. I always wondered why did it take so long. I would lay there, trying to fight for my body, as the seconds ticked by waiting for my savior to save me. Why did He let the demons get so close to me in my dreams and even out of my dreams? I don't know but I felt betrayed by God himself, and that my faith was wronged. I tucked these feelings away and kept it moving.

Distrust

Somewhere down the road I treated him like a human being, capable of disappointment. Because of traumatic experiences, my trust was shaky towards Him. I feared that He would let me down again. And then one day, I remembered that He's sovereign. I realized that He has supreme authority over all things and all things are in his control. This realization, this mindset, allowed me to consider other reasons for such horrible experiences.

Soul-Ties

The first reason is soul-ties. I'm Haitian and I am aware of the many demonic elements that we tend to have rooted in our bloodlines, deep within the voodoo religion. I am not saying that all Haitians perform voodoo rituals, because that is simply untrue, but, what I am trying to point out, is how imperfect we are as people and we usually pass on our habits, small or big, good or bad, down to our children. I'm referring to generational ties, in this case, generational curses. Some examples include, alcoholism, sexual abuse, our health, and even down to the way that we deal with anger. These roots need to be uprooted. Whatever my ancestors did before me I needed to break off to find some relief at night and even during the day. Let's just say, those demons were angry with me for giving my life to Jesus Christ. (Stories for another day!)

Decisions and Exposure

The second reason is probably because of certain decisions that I have made in my life. As a result of such terrible decisions, I welcomed the devil right into my life. For instance, the demon of lust. When you open yourself up to someone, you open the door to their spirits and lust. Man, I remember certain habits began the moment I opened myself up to a certain person. Sometimes it isn't necessarily a person but a thing. I mean, this world thrives on sex. It's in movies, music, and even books. Growing up in this environment sets us all up for failure. Think about it, most people cannot fathom a 23 year old young woman choosing to be celibate 'till marriage, especially not honor Jesus. Who chooses Jesus over sex? Why is this hard to believe in the world today? It's because sex runs through our minds constantly due to repetitive exposure. I definitely messed up in the beginning of my christian walk but it get's easier the less I expose to sexual people and content. Another good question to ask ourselves is how come children are so innocent? (well now perverseness is reaching children even sooner) It's because we keep perverse language and images away from them. They aren't exposed to sex and therefore able to go on with their lives content without the constant need for it. Even after children hit puberty, they might be interested in the other gender, but they don't crave it.

To dwell in His safety

That's probably a very wrong example, but I had to make a point. Because I became aware of these soul ties, I knew what I had to do to stop the cycle. Psalm 91:1 states, "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High, shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty." And this verse is a verse my parents used to always read, specifically my father, before bed. Now that I think about it, I wonder if he had nightmares as well... Anyways, I was always drawn to chapter 91 because it promised safety. Before, when I read this verse, I didn't know that verse could come to life, that I could live the verse, that they were rhema words until My mentor broke it down for me, over two years ago. Dwelling, means to live or to stay in His secret place. How do I stay in his secret place? I can worship him with my life and staying in his presence. So, if his secret place is a house and I am living in this house, in his safety, than the moment I step out anything can hit me. Lightning, rain, snow, and the devil.

My choice

God gives us will. We are able to make our own choices and because of my choices, along with the choices of the people who came before me, I had open doors that needed to be shut. I had to go before the lord and break every evil soul tie, whether that be generational roots, exposure to certain media, and physical actions. When I let go, I felt free. And even now, I still fight fear, but I'm better. I can sleep knowing that I am under God's protection as long as I dwell in him and keep the wrong doors shut. The only way I can be out of his safety is if I pull myself out of it. I blamed God for my nightmares, but it wasn't his choices that put me there, they were mines and others before me. I had to choose him.

Healing

By the end of the night, I was able to receive healing and a renewed trust in the Lord. He shined a light on a blind-spot that I kept hidden for years. He gave me a refreshment I didn't know I needed. Thank you, Jesus!

Prayer

My father in heaven, I come before you right now. Lord, I need you. Father I ask that you may remind me of hurts and pains that I have kept hidden and tucked away in my heart, right now in Jesus's name. I pray that I may be healed of those pains and healing waters may flow from my core. That you may wash my fears and hurts away and wash me in

your presence. I command and decree every evil soul-tie to be broken off of me, in the name of Jesus. Remind me, Lord, that you remember me. That you are a God of all understanding and you know all that I have gone through. I thank you Lord for getting me this far. For starting a good work in me that you will finish. Father I thank you for peace that surpasses all understanding over my heart, mind, and body, right now, in Jesus's name. Lord I ask that you may answer my cries and even my cries from deep within, and deliver me from fear in Jesus's name. I thank you Father, because you are sovereign, and you will finish your good work in me, in Jesus's name, Amen.